rpstarterss:

• “Oh, HELL no! Not in MY bed!”
• “We watched some horror movie.. I think it’s called, ‘the Teletubbies..’?”
• “Pants are just an illusion.”
• “Shut the fuck up a pikachu onesie does so suit me.”
• “Hey, man, I hate to tell you this, but I think your dog’s cheating on you..”
• “Hey, the cat crashed your car.”
• “I thought today was your birthday, so I rented a bouncy house, but then I remembered it isn’t, so now we have a bouncy house.”
• “It’s not a mattress, it’s my kingdom and you are encroaching on it.”
• “[NAME]’s a VIP at that one strip club….. What’s it called again… ‘Golden Corral’?”
• “I’m bleeding?!”
• “I have to tell you a secret…”
• “You think it’s important that I lost my shirt?! You think it’s important?! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S IMPORTANT!!! CALLIOU CAN’T FUCKIN’ TIE HIS SHOES!!!”
• “I need at least seven sweet and sour sauces or I’m fucked.”
• “I was pretending to be a ninja and the blade of the knife just flew right off and broke the window.”
• “Look, man, I didn’t mean to pee on you.”
• “Thanks for letting me room with you… By the way, vodka makes me gassy.”  
• “You want to go to Taco Bell?”
• “I lost [NAME]. Have you seen them?”
• “Wow, you look so much better when I’m drunk. You should try it more often.”
• “I CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT A LULLABY!!”
• “Hello, 911? Are you still awake?”
• “Jesus told me to do it.”
• “I’m really sorry I’m so creepy everybody…”
• “This is awful. I am inventing electricity, and you look like an asshole.”
• “How many nutrients do you think there are in dog biscuits? I already ate, like five.”
• “HOLY SHIT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET SO TALL? WHAT THE FUCK?”
• “Hamsters have feelings, too..”
• “Who convinced me to come here?”
• “The dog looked so lonely.. So I took it home.”
• “I’LL PROTECT YOU! I’M BATMAN!”
• “Look at all this snow. Imagine if it was sand, but still cold. No wait, warm snow. Man, that’d be cool..”
• “You’re not very hot, but maybe after another beer or two..”